It’s been a while since I made a post. I actually wrote three posts then decided against publishing them, there has been so much going on in my life and the world that it all became quite overwhelming! I did turn 40 though which is meant to be a milestone in life, to be honest, I can’t quite get my head around where all the time has gone. I thought the same when I hit 30. I have moments where I downplay being 40 then other days I feel like I have one foot in the grave! I am assuming that’s natural the older we get. Maybe that is why they say life begins at 40, because we realise that time is passing, but we don’t give as many shits in general so begin to enjoy life more. I’m not convinced about the latter, I will explain why. I got cancer yes, then I went into remission, and some people have said (their intentions were sincere), make your life count after cancer, but my life did count before cancer. I travelled a lot of the world and had periods of none, I partied then I got fit, I spend quality time with family and friends and fell out with some, I had some amazing jobs and some crap ones, I found my soul mate and ditched some frogs, had a daughter and two miscarriages, made many, many good memories and some totally awful ones. I don’t know about you but isn’t that living a full life, taking the good days and the bad. The last thing I need now is to put high expectations on myself to go and do crazy things, just because I had cancer. We all take life for granted when we are younger, don’t we? Ultimately, there are certain experiences we can control and others that we have absolutely no control over, so yes, make the most of the choices we do have and focus on how we respond to uncontrollable experiences.
As most of you know, mum died a couple of months ago and I have been dealing with day to day grief, something I can’t control. She is in my thoughts at some point everyday and so many things trigger a memory. Other times, I am busy with daily routines and the pain is not so prominent. The one constant is that I miss her and all I want to do is call her, have a hug and sit laughing but it isn’t possible so I guess that is something that I need to accept. My point is, it’s how we respond to the tragic events we are faced with, I cannot eliminate grief so I have to find a way to live with it. Still a work in progress!
Covid-19 has had such a huge impact, not to sound like a whinge bag but I’ll be honest, it is pretty damn annoying. I know I am not alone in wishing that it would just do one now and yes, I may sound selfish but I cannot lie about how I feel! I know we are supposed to appreciate the family time and remain positive as it’s affecting the entire world but honestly, both Arabella and I are fed up with homeschooling and I want to feel like a human again and maybe even eat in a restaurant! I know so many people have died and are still dying which is even more reason why I wish it would disappear. I spent so much time at home because of chemotherapy, so I feel like I have been locked down for six months! Again, it’s totally out of our hands and I should be more positive but somedays I just want to scream, other days I’m ok. However, anyone in New Zealand should be banned from posting photos of socialising (only kidding!), literally so jealous!
Then sometimes, something that we thought we couldn’t control actually gets under control! I’m talking about my cancer. I don’t know why I got it, why it spread or why I survived it. I was forced to step into the unknown. Of course, chemotherapy gives you some security but you don’t know how you will respond to it, if at all. That’s why it is imperative that you believe and have faith, that you manifest your health returning, lock all doubts out of your mind and that you use the moments when you feel shit scared to keep you fighting, to make you stronger. I had an amazing clinical response to chemotherapy, I will never know all the factors that contributed to going into remission, that I don’t need a liver operation to remove calcified lesions and that chemo tablets aren’t essential. I’m just grateful that I could weather the storm, come out the other side and celebrate another birthday. I can go back to living my life, with a new gained perspective but also some things will be just how they were before cancer, nothing fancy, just normal everyday living, something I wasn’t sure I would ever get to do again.